Dana B. Myers here, author and founder of Booty Parlor.
Sadly, all good things must come to an end, and so this is the final installation in my residency as your Intimacy Advisor ‘Sexpert’! That said, I chose a question that we received again and again. Out of the hundreds of pressing Qs you shared with us, I’m almost certain that a THIRD of them were on the topic of THREESOMES. (A coincidence? Perhaps!)
Q: Is having a threesome dangerous for relationships, even when you both want them to happen?
A: When it comes to matters of the heart, and what happens in your private bedrooms, I am no one’s judge or jury. Every person and every relationship is different, and each comes with it’s own unique playbook. What may be standard in one bedroom is exotic and taboo in the next. What may be freely tolerated and accepted in one relationship is completely off limits in another. What I can tell you is this: almost everyone I’ve ever talked to about sex admits to fantasizing about more than one bedmate. Any number of combos can exist: 2 women/1 man, 2 men/1 woman, all women, all men, 2 women/1 male voyeur… you get the idea. It’s H-O-T, hot. It’s double the touches, double the kisses. It’s the adrenaline rush of doing something that is typically considered taboo if you’re in a committed relationship.
Now – is it practical? Matters of the heart (or sex organs) rarely are. Is it dangerous? It certainly can be. Threesomes, even with the best of intentions and a firm set of rules to play by, can go very, very wrong. Let’s say your threesome fantasy is about having two lovers focus all their sexual attention on you, yet when the situation comes to life, your partner focuses only on the new player. What happens if there’s an emotional connection between your partner and the third person, and they start seeing one another outside of your bedroom trysts? Human nature tends to drive people towards jealousy, and jealousy is a green-headed monster that can eat away at a relationship until it dies a slow, painful death. Even worse – what if the new player brings in a STD that forever taints your committed relationship and puts your health at risk? There is a lot to consider.
If you’re seriously considering a threesome while in a committed relationship, ask yourself a few questions:
• Why do you want to introduce a third person into your intimate life?
• Are there underlying issues that the two of you need to address?
• Is there a lack of emotion, communication, or sexual energy that you’re hoping a third person may compensate for?
• How are you and your partner at setting (and following!) rules in other areas of your life? Do you think that can translate into abiding by the rules you set for a threesome?
Personally, I don’t recommend threesomes because I’ve seen them destroy hard-earned trust and intimacy within very solid partnerships. That’s not to say they can’t work – some couples live their whole lives within an open relationship set-up, but I think that takes two very unique people who share unique perspectives on sexuality, freedom, and human nature. Now, if you’re young and playing the field, and not in a committed relationship where you have something emotionally valuable to lose – that’s another thing. I say… Explore! Explore! Explore! Please use the very safest sex practices possible, so the experience can stay light and fun in your memory (as opposed to becoming a STD conversation you have to have with every lover thereafter).
So, let’s say you’ve made the decision against a “real” threesome in order to keep your trust and intimacy bullet-proof, there are still ways to act upon the fantasy.
The “Almost Threesome” is a sexy scenario I write about in Mojo Makeover, and it goes like this: Say hello as yourself, blindfold your lover and then introduce the “other person” in the room. Then, alter your voice and create a personality that is different than your own. Touch your lover in a way you’ve never done before, say things never said. Yes, I am asking you to play another person and yourself in the bedroom. Although this may feel very weird, uncomfortable and silly at first, once you get into character the room will get hotter and hotter. You’ll both find yourselves swept away in the improvisation. I recommend using new bedroom accessories to spice up the scenario – think blindfold, a whipper tickler, a new adult sex toy.
If that’s not scratching your threesome itch, try taking it one step further. Call a phone sex hotline and have a three-way over the lines. Let the phone sex operator tell you what to do to one another, and ask her to be very vocal about what she might want done to her and how it’d make her feel. Still not enough? Make your virtual threesome even more real and up the ante to a Skype Sex Session. The internet is full of skilled vixens and hunks with webcams (and credit card machines) just waiting to be a part of your merry-making. To me, these alternatives to a threesome-in-the-flesh can still fulfill the fantasy without the potential to damage your home life!
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck, love and happiness.
To celebrate the conclusion of our series, Booty Parlor & Lover’s Lane chose one lucky fan to receive a grand prize Lovekit including a Flirty Little Secret Firming Bronzer, a Don’t Stop Massage Candle, Dust Up Kissable Body Shimmer, Skin Honey Kissable Body Topping, Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Infused Plumping Lip Gloss, and a Va-Va Voom Boa!Stay tuned to Intimacy Advisor for our next Ask The ‘Sexpert’ series!